Saturday, December 31, 2011

Try and fail

Try something... then fail. Realize that you're still alive... no longer afraid to try.
Today I'm trying to be optomistic.... and failing a little bit, but that's ok. 2012 is just another label for a block of time, which is just a label for getting older and things happening. Still, I'm eyeing 2012 as something that can be full of promise. I want to promise that I'll zig when I'd normally zag... I feel like I've been zagging my whole life.

Recent days have been appalling... I am the frog that's boiled slowly, gradually warming up but too complacent to jump out of the pot until it's too late. Right now it is too late... or is it never too late? When is dinner time?

I'd really like to take a walk today - it's been awhile since I've gotten any exercise. My legs feel like going all the way to Karsiyaka or Bostanli, but we're having the kind of wet, cold weather that makes chilled bones and runny noses that never stop. Besides, but kitchen is warming up and my pajamas feel comfortable.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Throw up your hands, tear out your hair... stuck in the minor leagues

2011, the year of intended change... it turned surreal and hit a wall of blind, stupid vengeance. Actually it was more of a storm of blind, stupid vengeance. For me, the moment of numb weightlessness immediately after the impact- that dull, shocked slow motion stretched over an entire summer and I'm still waiting for the full realization of what exactly has happened and what might come next. My attempt at making large changes in my life only achieved a holding pattern. I'm still in Turkey, feeling a little bit trapped here. No amount of slowly whirling meatlogs could make me like it better. The story is purely personal... it would be of no educational value to share details, but the life of an expat can take unpredictable turns. I definitely stepped on some cultural toes and caught some bad surprises.
In hindsight, I can see where I hesitated when it was time to make a move and when I moved at the wrong time, but these lessons may or may not be applicable in the future.
Despite things gone wrong, I'm finding quite a bit to be happy about. I like my job and my apartment... and there's a new Mexican restaurant...
The next move (plan B) requires a bit more planning. I'd like to borrow a few pages from a successful expat handbook somewhere and get back on track, hopefully improving my game.